On Beards

The L Shaped Beard
As a child, I didn’t know any men with beards. Neither my father, male relatives, nor any family friends that I can recall had facial hair of any sort. So my first real opportunity to observe a beard was with my 9th grade history teacher, Dr. Lamploo. (It’s not spelled that way in real life). Dr. Lamploo would shave his cheeks and neck making the beard form an “L” shape. I think it was everything that a beard shouldn’t be. Trimmed and shaped and awkward. It used to distract me in class. Did he get up each morning, pull out his razor and just run it down a razor width on each cheek? Why grow a beard if you are still shaving daily? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?
The Handlebar
I have a dear older friend who sported a big handlebar moustache for 23 years. It was metonymy. He was the moustache. It defined him. He shaved it for a party I threw. His wife was thrilled. I was flabbergasted. It made him look 10 years younger. But when I see him, I see the lack of moustache. But though I love my formerly handlebarred friend, the moustache is, even if you are a Brooklyn hipster, a bad choice. I’ll leave it there.
Beard Brothers
I hadn’t seen my neighbor, Reed, for about 3 months. I ran into him on the sidewalk with a friend of his; they both had huge beards. Big, bushy, untrimmed, lumberjack beards. Reed and 7 of his friends decided to be “Beard Brothers” growing them together and also having a contest to see who could go the longest not shaving (or, apparently trimming) them. Reed is fair haired, blue eyed, and of Scottish descent, yet he told me that since he had grown out his beard, people assumed he was Jewish. Oddly enough, I could see what they meant. I didn’t love his beard, but I have to say I preferred it to the Dr. Lamploo thing.

I am happy to say that I have never had noticeable facial hair (except eyebrows and lashes). I’ve never had to pluck, wax, or bleach. And that makes me happy. But if I was a guy, I think I would enjoy experimenting with various facial hair arrangements on a short-term basis. A brief foo-manchoo, a temporary flavor-saver, whatever. But nothing long-term. And nothing shaped like a topiary.
Let me say, though, with all my beard-bashing that there is a kind of beard I do like. It’s the untrimmed, just slightly longer than a five o’clock shadow. Viggo Mortenson in Lord of the Rings is an example. A little closer to home would be Brett from Flight of the Conchords. You get the idea.